Depressed rant.

I still find life very confusing, annoying and very hard to deal with. I have always wondered ( and still do ) why it looks so much more complicated for me.

Why did I have to be a shy child when I grew up. Why didn't I have a good relationship with my father. Why is it sometimes so hard to see when I can do and say some things and when it's a bad moment. Why was it so hard to make friends. Why was it so horribly hard to even talk to people. Why did they have to pick on me when I did mistakes. Why do I meet so many weird people that aren't good for me. Why did that thing have to happen....

I want to be better. I want to be good. And at the same time I wonder, why bother? What do I want to be good for ? Me ? Others ? I want to be loved, liked. Ofc, everyone does. I want people to seek me out, want to do things with me. Be happy with me. Not stab me in the back and freeze me out. Point fingers at me and whisper when I walk by. But they don't do that now do they ? That was years ago. Why is it so hard to let go of. Why can't I move forward. Am I depressed ? Am I just down and under. When did I lose my cheerfulness I used to have. Where did I go wrong....

I don't know what to do for me. I don't know what I want. Even tho I can tell you about things I'd like. In the end, I don't know. Nothing. What am I. Life can be hard for everyone. Why did I cope with it so badly ? I know, I'm having a bad day. Maybe even a bad week. Who cares. I know that later tonight or tomorrow. things will look better and I won't understand why I wrote all this. But it's still all true. I have to get a life. Do something. So I'll go forward again.

And last but not least. I wonder how much good it would do, to tell someone about what happened. Cuz apparently it's still on my mind. Do I need them to know so that I will feel better ? And is it worth it at the cost of how they will feel when hearing about it ? Is it my right to decide for them ? Oh lord sometimes I wish I was religious. I have to stop giving my self more problems than I already have. And not make things that aren't a problem, into one. I need some happy music, and a hug. A big hug. And quite possibly a piece of cake. Yeah. That would be awesome.

Little boxes...

I keep getting that song in my head. Tho my boxes aren't that small. Most of them are the Ikea type. So yeah, I'm still here. Still working on moving them from one storage to the other. I have made some progress. Not as fast as some may want. But I don't want to go home just yet.

First of all my nose is back to normal, pretty much. And second, I like it here. I get into some interesting moments tho. Quite a few ppl have asked if I'm moving. Just today, earlier as I was going out. I met the neighbor living next door to my friend.

They've seen me walking around here with the boxes ofc and asked if I was ( sort of finally ) moving in here now. Wops. No sorry. I'm just borrowing some space for all my junk. *sigh* But I hope, really hope. That it won't be too long until I can have "my own"/ a home.

Me, my self and my worries.

I'm so tired of this now. I'm in a period of high anxiety and worrying again. Thinking about my allergies that are in danger of getting worse by the day. Looking for work online almost daily. Worrying about what to do with my things in Lkpg. And how and when I'll get a job. Getting a place to live, and ofc where to live.

It's quite exhausting. And it comes with the very unpleasant side effect of not being able to fall asleep. Even if I'm in bed by 12, the chance of me falling asleep before 4-6 in the morning is slim. That in turn makes me feel like I'm a no good lazy ass when I can't get out of bed until after 12-13 somewhere. Crap, fuck, shit.

On the bright side. I'm quite happy with my mental progress in the self worth department. I think it's gone extremely good even. I still get some random spontaneous issues tho. And I don't get any heads up for them either. It's a bit annoying but I guess it can't be helped. At least I'm going forward.

One of my issues I really don't understand. The "ppl doing things that could embarrass them" thing. I mean, why the fuck should I be worried about that ? It's really not my problem. My only guess is that my faulty logic has found a loophole to make it my problem. I need to cut that of and close it up for good.

Gawh fuck.

Missed my own deadline ( or something ) so this won't end up on "Thursday" but anyway.

Last night as I  was going to bed I started thinking about my flowers again. And then it hit me. I am so not 60% done as I first thought... I had totally forgotten about the 6 plants outside the greenhouse. Suddenly the prospect of getting them all to fit in my small room seems far less likely. *sigh* I guess I'll have to tell my mom that I'll be needing that window space anyway. It's still gonna be tight though. Silly me. How could I forget them.

Besides that it's been an ok day. With the exception of a fairly stupid headache that I have to blame my self for, and the fact that I didn't get the job I applied for a week ago. To be honest, I never thought I'd get it either. But one can hope. Gotta keep looking.

A Whole New Year To Fuck Up.

Yes. 2012 is old news, here we go 2013. I don't have any great hopes for this year tho. But if I can wish for anything, it would be to find someone who loves me and to get a job. Health is over rated for my part so I'm not gonna ask for that. But I hope my mom will feel better than she has these last few months.

And once again I feel like I've lost a few weeks. The days have just gone by and although I know what I've done and where I've been, it feels like I haven't been consciously there. It's like my mind has been busy somewhere else. Could be, that I've been a bit more down than usual. But I don't really know.

I wonder how I should get things going this time, this year. It's hard to describe how it is to have things that you want to happen or get done. But not having any willpower or anything, to make it happen. Mostly it feels quite horrible really. But I will make my best effort this time. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

Failed img of a lovely two-colored Geranium -2011.
Will look for a new one this spring again.

It's been a while.

I should be sleeping right now. I was reading, and I'm on my way to bed. Just felt like stopping by here first. I've got some "late night loneliness" hanging over my shoulders at the moment. It's x-mas now. ( Yes in my mind it is. Deal with it. ) I'm missing some people and moments I wish I still had. In a way. At least most of the preparations for the holiday is done. Just some last min baking and decorations to put up. 

I feel troubled. It has nothing to do with x-mas tho, but I have no idea who to talk to about it. I can only talk it over with my self. And the best solution I can come up with is to ignore, forget and move on. That's really not easy. As usual I'm not making it easy for my self. Guess I'm still in the mindset that I deserve misery and hard times. Hard to move beyond that. But I'm making a brilliant effort I must say. I think I do anyway.

Tomorrow I'm going to be happier again. The bigger part of this sad feeling will go away while I'm sleeping. Good thing. When I'm up and about I'll do the last baking and enjoy the most awesome weather we're having. I really hope it stays until new years eve. Gonna listen to some x-mas songs and send happy feelings in my head too. But right now I really should sleep. I hope I get happier dreams than last nights.

The good, the bad, the low.

I wonder what on earth I can do to feel better. To get better self esteem. To feel like I'm actually worth the things I want and the stuff I get. If anything bad happens it's all "I probably had it coming, I must be worth this shit". It's probably not a good thought to think.

I wish I had something solid, to show or teach me how to feel like I have a worth. The things I want, I don't feel that I deserve them. You can tell me to my face that I'm just as good as anyone else. But it will only make me cry inside. Because I don't believe the words.

I can't.

To hell with it.

Sometimes I wonder if my head is really screwed on right ?

Someone should slap me on my fingers and send me to the corner or something. I am probably totally incorrigible and will never ever behave correctly. But who knows, maybe I'll get a hard hit on the head some day and mend my ways.

Until then, I'll just have to try harder not to go insane.

If that's gonna happen tho, I need to find something very tasty very close to keep my mind busy. But what ever. In the mean time back in reality...

I'm still nuts, still without a job, haven't learned to speak German yet and will probably mess up the rest of my life if I keep going the way I am. Oh yes I am oh so very positive right now. Ain't it peachy ? Just makes you wanna vomit pink fluffy clouds.

I should really just focus on one thing and run to hell with it.

And I just took a look in the mirror, I look horrible. Looks like I haven't slept for ages. Am I that messed up inside ? I need to shape up. Really...

Life on demand.

Well hello again.

Just because I've noticed it my self.... in my last post ( not that anyone cares ) I said "yesterday" about when I got my foul mood. And by yesterday I meant Saturday. By the time I posted the crap to the blog, Sunday was already over. Yes it's a dry spell here on news, and much else. Nothing special to report.

It's been the promised land of headaches here for the last 3 days. Both my mother, her hubby and I have had at least one headache in turn. Isn't it just wonderful ? Together with the fact that I've been here over a week now and am starting to feel bad for not having a job yet, everything feels peachy. Or not.

I'm still trying to stay away from msn, google talk and FB. Ye I log to play my game and maybe leave a mark or two. I sorta wonder if I'm missing something by not having the chats open. But then again. Right now there are maybe 3 ppl there talking to me. Everyone else has that weird disease called life. I think.

And that life, does not include me. Am I sad ? No, not really. I am trying to get a life of my own. But they seem to be pretty high on demand right now. So I might have to wait a while to get one worth keeping. In the mean time, I'll keep practicing my German words and keep my head above the waterline.