Interesting bits.

Inception, the idea. Planting thoughts and ideas in ppl. You don't have to go as far as the movie does. Mostly all you need to do to plant it is to mention it. Ie; if someone tells you Not to think about a pink elephant. Most likely sooner or later you will think about a pink elephant. It's interesting.

The human mind is interesting. I like to know what ppl are thinking. I can ask them over and over. Sometimes I'm more specific about what I ask, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I get an answer, and some times I don't. I can listen a long time to ppl talking. Even if I can't understand the language.

That's another fetish I guess. Languages. Most preferable English, German and Japanese. Scottish, Irish and Welsh dialects are very tasty. And I met an interesting friend once, who had a very distinct dialect. But when he got excited ( in bed ) he completely lost it. Very fascinating I'd say.

I came to terms with my weird interests a long time ago, and now I don't think it's that weird anymore. There are a lot of other things out there that could be "worse" or more "weird" than what I'm into. *yawn.*  God I'm so tired today. I wonder if I had trouble with my breathing again last night.

More fluttery flies.

That... ( points to the img above ) is what I've been up to today. I decided to try drawing butterflies again. I am very peachy and happy about the result. Especially the one up to the left. I made a third one too but that was after I took the pic. Can't be arsed to take another one right now.

Last night when I went to sleep I had a whole topic on what to write about today. I didn't write it down. I should have know better. Cuz now I can't remember a thing. But most likely, it had something to do with flirting and teasing. My own uneducated ques. *cough cough*

Anyways... 

Feeling peachy about next week.

*bounce bounce*

Flutter flutter little fly.

I sense a growing delay in my blog updates. Could be because I'm growing tired ( and self conscious ) about repeating the same stuff over and over again. I might not have repeated it that many times here, but all together it's a wee bit tiresome. *sigh*

I'm researching butterflies. Or well, trying to get a feel for how they look and how to draw one. I bought a tiny book about them on the sale a few days ago. Cost me 29:- sec. I can live with that. I'm planning on drawing a pretty big tattoo eventually. It's gonna take a while, everything I want to do does. It's fine, I'm not in a hurry anyway. And I'm going hunting this spring/summer. For a special little black larva. I'd very much like to see it sometime.

Maybe I'll draw a bit, later tonight. Maybe I'll use the evening to dwell in my mind and sort through my daydreams and thoughts. Or maybe, I'll just catch up on some of the anime I haven't watched in a while. Decisions , decisions, decisions...

Yo Sugar !

I wish, I had something more interesting to write about. Instead of my every day boring life and fears. But I don't have anything else to write about. So this is it. Today it's a small rant about sugar, exercise and my lack of a life.

This is one unhealthy week. I have had 4 pastries so far and I will have one tomorrow. I'm going to buy candy for the weekend and I've even got some tasty yummy eye candy at hand. I have however, resisted buying candy every time I've been in a grocery store this week. Peachy. :)

I'm doing my situps. Every morning and every night. I'm even in bed by 11:30 or 12 lately. It's small milestones I know. But so far so good, they're working. I'm thinking of starting going for a walk or something every other day too. We want to look peachy this summer in bikinis.

And tomorrow I'm going to call and check up on an education I'm interested in. Ofc, I don't really feel that I can do it or that it's going to go ok. But I know that's just in my own mind. "If you're tired of fighting battles with your self, change your mind." I'll be nervous, for no reason. But I'll try.

Tuesday babbles.

You can learn something new every day. Today I learned how the hdd looks in a laptop and how to change the cd drive. I've also moved all of my stuff into said laptop since my old little baby started to break down yesterday. Moms hubby is working on it as we speak, we'll see if he manages to get it to behave again or not. This baby is about 2 years younger and a lot more stable, he needs a new battery tho so I'm gonna start working on that.

Besides that I'm getting better. My cold is starting to give up and I got 2 whole good nights sleep. I'm planning an escape to go awol for about a week and relax with good company. Looks promising. I've started with my morning/evening sit-ups and... even tho my head says I want candy, I haven't bought anything except on Fridays. Now if I could only get the rest of my life working. I'm sort of getting more and more interested in a new education tho.

We'll see  what happens. Tomorrow I'm thinking of maybe trying to get up when the alarm goes of. To get some creativity working before my mom comes home and we're of to the book sale that starts tomorrow. I won't be able to buy much, but I might have a few coins left somewhere. That anatomy drawing book is looking very tasty right now. And a few other books ofc. But I'll just be happy walking around anyway. Books are my friends.

Skin creature.

I am an emotionally driven creature. I know logic, I can handle logic. But when my emotions tells me something then I really want to do it. It gets a bit complicated while dealing with my total lack of self confidence and the fact that I don't feel / think that I'm worth anything. Sometimes I want to do something so badly, but can't.

I've clearly got some issues to deal with. And I am working on it.

*Sigh.* I'm really feeling my addiction now. Lacking the touch of skin and closeness. Caressing that sweet soft skin with my fingers and lips. A warm breath. So intoxicating. Just a lick or two, a little nibble and a bite. A subtle shiver and sigh. It's not about love. It's about feeling the contact. I love skin, taste and touch.

Of all the addictions there is, it's one of the prettier ones I'd say.

Time to relax and take a painkiller. I got one of those annoying colds a few days ago. Feels like it's going to be pretty short lived tho, thank god. But there's going to be some extra resting done for a few days. No worries. I've got anime to watch , imgs to draw and epic friends to chat with. Peachy peachy.

Messed up missy.

I thought my head would keep me up last night, but I guess I was too tired. My mind other vise, has a habit of getting seriously stuck on a thought once it hits me. I don't mind when it's about something tasty. Speaking of tasty, I had a very interesting conversation last night. And now Gorgeous knows ( for sure ) that I think he's gorgeous. I can always hope that messed around in his head a little. ;)

But now I'm seriously stuck, and I'm just wondering. Did anything really get cleared out, and now what ? This is the downside of turning things around in your head too much. For a second I was sure, and then my head said ; no it can still be another way. You could be reading it wrong. Well, to make it as simple as could be. Let's just move along and see what happens. This is very interesting.

No I still don't think I'm playing fair. I'm not saying I'm the only one tho. But right here, right now, I'm single. And I have the right to do what ever the hell I please. This means making friends, making enemies, screwing up, making something right, and a whole lot of other things. Now if you excuse me, I have a very private little daydream to entertain my self with. Involving biting, kissing and a lot of body contact.

Can I go now ?

God I feel like I could just fall to pieces right here and now. I've visited both the Doc and the Unemployment agency. It's amazing how stupid the later can be. The Doc however was a quite pleasant guy. We went through my medications, no worries there. Some minor changes but nothing to worry about. At the end he tells me that I should get things started with the Unemployment agency. So I did.

I went to them to complete my change from the other office to the one in this city. The lady was, sort of pleasant but still very obviously working there. ( The ppl there are just..... *******. ) She however had quite the list of things she wants me to do ( even tho I can't do some of them, and I tried to explain that ) and this list feels bigger and bigger the more I think about it. I wish I could just hibernate a lifetime.

And also, she wonders if maybe I would be better of home on sick leave, or what ever you call it in english. Interesting. And the old Doc I went to never sent my file to the new one so I have to call them again. *Sigh* I don't want to. I don't think that this is something I should do, they could do it faster and easier them selves. So now I'm stressed up, worried and all worked up cuz nothing is going according to plan.

This mental mess makes me want to go to sleep and never ever wake up again. I wish I was more like everyone else, most ppl don't have these issues. Doesn't look like it anyway.

Happy Valentines day !

To one and all ofc.

But especially to my most awesome friend

Sigi.

I feel so god damn slow.

And I mean that about everything and anything. It's really hard to find any sort of motivation even tho I know I really want to. I just never get anything done. I feel dumb and lazy. What a way to go huh. Ofc I know I'm not really stupid, but I have probably turned a bit too lazy by habit. Need to change it. And I think, I'll start it by forcing a 9:00 wake up time. Can I do it ? We'll see.

I tried waking up the creative part of my brain again today. Didn't go too bad. It's valentines day tomorrow and I wanted to draw something "to/for/about" it. I do that with the major events. Or I try atleast. You know, X-mas, Easter and such. An so, valentines tomorrow. I'll wait and see if maybe I can get it colored by tomorrow, or maybe tonight. If not, I'll just post it as it is. No biggie.

Otherwise I like evenings.

But last night was horrible.

I was randomly googling, listening to music and talking to a friend. Then I started to feel a bit bad. And 5-10 min after it, I snapped. Crying, hyperventilating and silently screaming I lay there in my bed for at least 30-45 min before it started to get better. And god was I tired after that. I took out my spiked rug ( well sort of ) and I fell asleep on it in just a few min.

It is very rare that I feel like this while eating my medication. All I can think of is that it's probably because I'm a bit tense and more stressed still, and also that I ate too little of the medicine for a while. I'll give it until the 15:th to stop. If I have another episode before that I'll take it up with the Doc I'm seeing that day. But it should be over soon. I hope anyway.

I don't really want ppl around me to know I have this issue. It's not fun and I feel like a total psycho. On top of it I've now involved another friend in the "secret". I would rather have kept him out of it. Would have been nice if at least one person I know thought I was whole and somewhat sane. But I think that ship has sailed. I don't regret him knowing tho.

I just wish I was sane.

Things that makes me happy.

Brightly funny colored socks.

Can make any day better.

Yes it's silly, I know.

I don't care.

To hell with it.

Sometimes I wonder if my head is really screwed on right ?

Someone should slap me on my fingers and send me to the corner or something. I am probably totally incorrigible and will never ever behave correctly. But who knows, maybe I'll get a hard hit on the head some day and mend my ways.

Until then, I'll just have to try harder not to go insane.

If that's gonna happen tho, I need to find something very tasty very close to keep my mind busy. But what ever. In the mean time back in reality...

I'm still nuts, still without a job, haven't learned to speak German yet and will probably mess up the rest of my life if I keep going the way I am. Oh yes I am oh so very positive right now. Ain't it peachy ? Just makes you wanna vomit pink fluffy clouds.

I should really just focus on one thing and run to hell with it.

And I just took a look in the mirror, I look horrible. Looks like I haven't slept for ages. Am I that messed up inside ? I need to shape up. Really...

It's more and more rare ok !

But last night was horrible.

Well, to be perfectly clear. Last _evening_ was horrible. It got seriously better in the night, somewhere around midnight and one actually. A kind soul talked me out of the darkness caused by eating not enough medication. ( My educated guess. ) The problem with me being in that kind of mood, is that it's kinda like being drunk.

Meaning I'll say things I normally might think twice about before saying. And later when I feel better, I'll start to wonder why I made everything look so bad. Cuz it can't be that bad can it, feels like it's just in my mind ( well duh ) and I'm just over exaggerating things. So I try to keep quiet, until I get a question. And then it's all comes out.

But what I didn't say last night, even tho I kinda wanted to. Is that when I feel that bad, I start to wonder if it's possible to overdose on my antidepressants. No I haven't tried, no I don't want to try. No I haven't looked it up on the net, I don't want to and I don't think my medication is that heavy anyways. It's just a thought.

However, I don't like it. So whenever I get it, I think about all the ppl that I know that likes me. And then I lock the bad thought up in a box with very large and heavy locks.

Oh...

Ok. I'll behave now.

I've indulged my self in this private little fantasy of mine long enough. I'll be a good girl now and head back to the reality zone. The good thing about thoughts and fantasies tho? Is that it's all in your head. You don't have to tell anyone about it if you don't want to. And when you're done, forget it or store it away for future sequels.

Speaking of reality. Have you heard about that saying I use when ppl whine too much? "If you can change it, change it and shut the hell up. If you can't do anything about it, whine on." Now I admit, I don't always follow it my self. But I really do try. Except for those things that I don't really "think" about.

Like my "I'd like to be in better shape" thought. Well duh, start exercising then maybe ? I know I've mentioned this many times. Well maybe not here, but in general. But like most ppl, I find it hard to start. I've been thinking of maybe playing some kinnda sport ? I'm not sure what tho. But It could lead to new friends also.

And that's not a bad deal is it?

Hell.

Don't you just hate it when you can't drop a topic ?

I realized yesterday that although the comment was said in a joking manner, and he didn't mean any harm by it. It did hurt. And as with everything else that hurts me, ofc I won't tell him to his face. I'll keep it in my self and feel yet again that he's right. I'm not worth anything. I know it's wrong, but I'll do it none the less.

I was talking to my ex about a comment a friend had said. My friend wondered if there was anything going on between a guy and me. And I told her that as far as I know it's just friendship. He's gorgeous ofc but I'm simply not interested in a normal gf-bf relation with him. I don't think she believed me but that's her issue.

Anyways. My ex then says the wonderful comment "even if, I don't think he'd change gf from one social misfit to another". *sigh* Why thank you, so that's what I am. A social misfit. You could have told me earlier that you thought I was that damaged. I swallowed it up and ignored it. But it did hurt. The misfit part hurt.

I wish I was more evil than I am. I'd fuck them all. Make them beg for it, make it hurt. Throw salt in the woulds and then go and hide somewhere where they'd never find me again. Even tho they'd want to, for better or worse. And I'd enjoy the madness I had caused. "Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned."

No hard feelings dear. I still like you.

Sugar feast.

I did buy cake yesterday anyway.

But I didn't eat it all by my self, I shared it with my mom. I figured she's worth some cake too really. And the cake was good. Very good even, and was gone way too fast. Strange, that always happens with cake. Cake and cookies. Oh yes, we ate cookies too. And in the evening I had a loooong talk with another sweet thing which totally made me forget to blog. Happens happens.

Right now I'm bored. Sitting under my heated blanket warming my self up after a visit to my sister. The house she lives in is god damn cold. And outside it's somewhere around -15 or 17. I don't mind winter, I don't. I do like snow, indeed I do. But the cold... gargh. As soon as it drops below -10. It's too cold. Thank god it's the last "winter month" now. Can't wait to see summer again.

Oh well... I'm of to bore my self to death or something. Cya.

Ode to a cube.

Holy fucking christ I'm craving candy.

I've stuck it out for 3 days now but tomorrow I know I won't. Because then I'm of for shopping with my mom and the alien. I will be in a store, with candy, and cookies, and nuts, and lots of other tasty stuff.... like cake. And I am sooooo going to buy me some. Well I might skip the cake, but we'll see what I bring back.

Besides that, I'm in a much better mood today. I had a much more entertaining dream last night than the one before. In this one, my ex bought me a chihuahua puppy. Smallest damn pup I've ever seen. And then for some reason, me my ex and Dave jumped on our bikes and decided to go and show my pup to some friends.

You know I read somewhere once that if you want to keep an interesting blog with lots of visitors, you shouldn't write about your dreams. Well, screw it. It's my blog, I type what ever I like. Oh god I wish I had some candy. Gargh ! I'm watching a movie to distract my self. Unfortunately it sucks, oh sweet sugar it sucks.

Gonna need to go pick another one. I can't sleep just yet.

Random nonsense.

This is not going to make any sense.
I think I have a bad habit of thinking about things way too much and way to negative. I can't let go of this one thought. But maybe after today it will keep quiet for a week or two.

Lately I've been wondering if maybe it really is too little too late ? The first answer was, "well... oh.... maybe not really". ( My interpretation of what was said that is. ) Second answer was sort of, "it's never really too late". I haven't heard the "hell no it's fine" yet. But I can't say anything about that. I understand. We don't know where life is heading right now. Gotta be careful ofc.

I've been thinking about this the whole day. Couldn't get it out of my head because I had a bad dream last night. Not a nightmare, but it wasn't very sweet either. It left me feeling somewhat sad in the morning. I know it's just a dream, but when it's about someone I like this much... it gets on my nerves. And it reminds me of my own stupidity. A line from a song I like just came to mind.

"I'm not right and I'm not fine. I wanna be rain that tastes like wine. I wanna be good. I wanna be great. I wanna be everything except for your mistake."